But we have one common goal, which is very important, to work towards the goal of avoiding the D-solution.
So I would like to share on how we (have been trying) to make our marriage last. And in no order of importance...
1) Give and take.
We often hear this phrase when we grumble about our relationship woes to a third party.
Sounds easy if maybe somewhere at the back of your mind, you registered it as your partner gives you present and you take it graciously, or your partner gives in to you and you take the chance to ask for a little more.
You didn't? Oh well, I did for more than 20 years of my life until I enter the phase - marriage.
Think along the lines of: Today I let you slap me, tomorrow I let you slap me again, willingly.
Seriously.
Cos in marriage, there is no such thing as I don't feel this is fair, you either do what I say or we call it quits". And there will be days where 'injustice' happens more than once in a row and you just have to suck it all in and tell yourself it is fine. It is FINE!
Nobody can master this perfectly, but knowing the foundation of it takes you a long way I assure you.
Forgive and forget cos tomorrow is a brand new day!
2) Never talk down to your spouse.
Nobody, especially your spouse deserves to be talked down to.
If you wouldn't do that to your friends, you should not do that to your spouse.
Your spouse is your equal or your better half, you chose him/her to marry and to love, not to order him/her or talk in a way like he/she is not as smart as you.
You may have the habit of doing that to your parents or siblings but they are blood bonded with you and have no choice - in other words, lanlan.
But your spouse did not choose to marry into this and should not in any way start getting used to it.
Cos he/she has a choice to walk away from you (resorting to the D-word), unlike your parents and/or siblings.
My hubby has the bad habit of talking down to me, unknowingly.
When he says something which I don't quite agree but know that I have to agree to avoid a big argument, he will repeat "Huh? Can or not huh? Can??" even when I nod my head (disgruntling-ly).
The way he says it sounds so condescending and he doesn't realize it.
It sounds like my dad ordering me to stay at home when I was a teenager. "Oei everyday go out, stay at home today hor!" I lanlan had to obey but I keep quiet. Then my dad will go "Oei you hear me or not huh??"
It also sounds like he is trying to pick a fight with me? Like "Huh I say like that you can accept of not? Tell me la why you buay song (not happy) la huh?" - even though we all know he doesn't really want to hear it.
Yet it is the fact that he knows that I'm in somewhat disagreement with him that he asked it this way, which brings me to my next point...
3) Cherish each other more than the need to win.
Photo taken by Jac for pre-wedding shoot!
Sometimes you just have to swallow your pride/you opinions/your sentiments and agree with your spouse, not because he/she is right but because it makes him/her happy or put out the spark of an impeding fire.
But everyone has the right to disagree.
If your spouse agrees with you, albeit unwillingly, he/she has the right to hold his/her own resentments about it.
You have already won half the game, shut up now and say thank you graciously. If you can't muster those 2 words at the moment; a smile, a hug, holding his/her hand - showing any form of appreciation/love, will actually mean a lot to your spouse.
4) Treat your parents-in-law well, treat them like you would your own.
They are after all, the only 2 persons who brought your spouse into this world so that this marriage happened in the first place. And how your spouse is a family person/hardworking/neat/nice spouse, is highly possibly the upbringing of his/her parents.
If you can love your parents-in-law as you love your own parents, your spouse will unequivocally love you more - I assure you.
I have heard of people who have never visited their parents-in-law even after years of marriage, i.e. married foreigner.
My personal opinion about these people are that they don't love/respect their spouse enough. (Unless of course in the case where the spouse's parents have passed on or the spouse's parents abandoned/abused the spouse.)
I am very lucky that my mother-in-law is a very nice and caring person.
5) Never cheat on your spouse.
If you can't keep your other head in your pants or your leg closed, don't get married. If you discover this fact about yourself only after marriage, see a shrink. There's really nothing much to be explained about this point, it is the fundamental of a marriage. As for the certain women who are only horny for happily married men or the certain men who like to go for "MILFs" (married ones), these people don't deserve respect and you don't need them in your life.
6) Always tell your spouse the 3 important words.
I just can't decide which 3...I love you or Fuck me now.
Well, you get the drift. Passion and love in a marriage are just as important.
There will be some days where you feel things getting really mundane or a little dry...give those days a little shoe-shine, buy flowers, prepare candlelight dinner or (as simple as) going over to hug and say "I love you" is very important.
In my opinion, there can never be an overuse of "I love you"s, it is how it is said that matters.
7) Don't ever get tired of saying your Ps and Qs!
An ex-colleague saw how my hubby and I still say thank you to each other when we help each other out, and he said, "Aiya, sooner or later you will just say 'Oei pass me the ketchup', my wife and I also lazy to say please and thank you liao la!"
What I feel about Ps and Qs is that, it doesn't necessarily makes the relationship between my hubby and I, formal. However what it does is that we both recognize that whatever help rendered to the either of us is by choice and it is appreciated by the other party.
I think that in marriage (relationships as well), we can get really personal, intimate and very comfortable with each other, doing things like farting, burping or even shitting in each other's presence; but we should never forget to not be rude. It also makes it easier to train your children (if you have or plan to have) to be polite and mind their Ps and Qs!
8) Do things together at least once a day.
In my case, it is really hard cos I used to fly and there can be up to 1-2 weeks when we don't get to physically be with each other. And even though now I'm no longer flying, my hubby's job requires him to travel too.
However every day that we are with each other we would do things together at least once a day.
It can be as simple as having a cup of coffee together in the morning or going to bed at the same time together, what is important is that while doing so, you both are enjoying each other's company and that the presence is not just another person living in the same house.
Lastly, I have only been married for...1 year 11 months (counting from the date of our Chinese wedding dinner, though we registered for marriage 8 months before that), so you shouldn't take me too seriously. (:
But I would like to say, marrying a man I met just after 3 months, and having it turn out to be a good marriage, isn't pure luck. It takes lots of work too!
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